It's 4am, Jon is lying awake on his bed in his one bedroom apartment. He can't sleep, a lot has been going through his mind because today is going to be a bad day, a sad day. He has been rolling around his bed for hours trying to not think about it but to no use.He finally gives up and walks to the bathroom and washes his face. He sees a razorblade next to the sink and he looks up and takes a long look at his face in the mirror. His eyes are blood shot, he can't decide whether it is the lack of sleep that caused it or the tears he has been crying out for the last few hours. He walks to his work desk and gets a blank sheet of A4 paper and picks up his beloved fountain pen and begins to write.
I can't believe you have left me. We have spent the last 3 years together through lots of good times and a lot of bad times and with no word or warning you just... leave.
I know I haven't been the best boyfriend in the world and I couldn't give you everything you wanted but I did give you everything I had. I thought that would have been enough.I guess I was mistaken.
I would do anything to see you, to hold you again. I have been a wreck the last few days. Sometimes I wonder around this apartment hoping you would walk through that front door any minute now and everytime I go into the bathroom I stare at the razor blade and I contemplate just ending this hurt that you have placed within my heart but I guess I'm just too scared to do it.
I saw your parents yesterday, they blame me for you leaving all of us but I couldn't accept it. I can't accept the sheer weight of responsibility that they have placed upon me. If anything they have to accept some of the blame. I clearly know that you would have stayed with me if they had been supportive of us instead of the constant belittling and little acts of pettiness.
Who am I kidding? I should have seen the signs, I knew you were unhappy but I was too self involved, too stupid not to listen to your discontent. For that I apologise and I hope that one day you can forgive me.
I know you will never get to read this letter but by writing this with the pen you gave me for my birthday. I hope my thoughts can reach you, wherever you are. Just know this. No matter what happens in the future, I will never love anyone else as much as I have loved you.
From the bottom of my heart,
Today is a bad day, a sad day because today is the day of the funeral of Jon's girlfriend, Emily. She had committed suicide a few days ago in the apartment which she had shared with Jon.